That's amore...

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2006

I've always disliked Valentine's Day.

Perhaps my disdain began to grow when I threw a Valentine's party in 4th grade. The only person who showed up was my best friend Lori. I remember trying to make a cake, not greasing the pan correctly (me, not being a culinary expert?!!) and having the cake fall apart. So I put it in a bowl and sprinkled powdered sugar on top. I must have made other things too because I walked around the neighborhood, looking for someone to share my food with.

Once I got to junior high, suddenly Valentine's Day became about romantic relationships - something I didn't partake in often. I was always insanely jealous of those girls who cared around flowers and candy and teddy bears. I wanted a secret admirer (or even one who made himself known) too. Though I hated Valentine's Day, it still held that mystery. Perhaps this year would be the year when Cupid's love arrows would strike and I would finally get the man I deserved.

When I was a freshmen in college I went to the movies with another single friend on Valentine's Day. The people behind us were laughing and joking and we overheard them saying "are those two lesbians?" I wasn't bothered by being called a lesbian, but I was angery that Valentine's Day had to be about romantic love. Why couldn't I just be out with a friendly guy (if you don't know "language" you don't realize that "guy" is a term for all manner of objects - regardless of gender)?

Last year was the first year I ever had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. And though it was nice enough, it still didn't live up to the expectations I had formulated. There was no delivery of a dozen long stemmed roses at work. (Though he did send me flowers to work once when we started dating - just because). There was some chocolate, and I think a dinner, but it wasn't the magical, unrealistically hyped holiday Hallmark has made it out to be. 

This year I am once again boyfriendless, but I hope (with the aide of good friends who constantly remind me how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life) to make Valentine's Day about the true love in my life: The friends who send me flowers at school when I've had a bad day; the amazing, intelligent women who share my love of reading, wine, and having a good time; the co-workers who always know when I need to hear positive praise, or when it is finally time to break down after being asked "Are you ok?"; the people who let me see the real them - who trust me enough to know I'll love them for it; the family who appreciates my calls and visits and who doesn't let me get off the phone without saying "I love you"; the kids at school who challenge me everyday - even when I don't think I can handle it. 

I don't need the moon to hit my eye like a big pizza pie, because THAT'S (see above) really is amore.

Happy Valentine's to one and all.

All the World's a Stage

(From January of 2014)

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts"


Shakespeare's right.  Within our daily lives we play so many roles.  In one week I will be a teacher, mentor, colleague, learner, friend, "auntie", daughter, actress, singer, home owner, gardener, consumer, attempted softball player - the list goes on and on.  No one fulfills just one role in his/her life.  As we try and make our way through our own life story, we also find ourselves as supporting players, antagonists, sidekicks, and chorus members in other's lives.  In many ways we juggle multiple shows simultaneously; hopefully not forgetting too often which performance is currently in production.


In a truly balanced world, we would be able to focus most of our energy on the show where we are a principle lead - our own story.  Our supporting roles would then be next on the list of time consumption.  These are our responsibilities - to guide our friends or try and combat our foes in their own productions.  And of course we have occasional cameos or walk on roles with those who we don't really know.  Sometimes our lines are throw away and sometimes we are scene stealers.


Right now my life production is in a holding pattern.  I feel like a few scenes are under my belt, but we are at intermission and there is no direction for the second act.  Frequently I have a trip or something to look forward to during the summer which may provide some type of possibility.  But this summer is pretty bare.  I am going to try and change that situation, but I don't know if that will happen.


And though there isn't much progress with my show, what hurts the most is that appearance wise, everyone around me is developing Academy Award winning scripts.  New additions to families, creations of families, finding partners, changes in jobs - these all lend themselves to better stories.  And I am proud to be a part of these stories.  I am so happy for my friends who are having babies.  I am honored to be close enough to throw baby showers for these wonderful mamas and daddies.  


I just wonder the inevitably cliched question - when is it my turn?  When do I get to have a wedding or baby shower?  When will people I know become supporting characters in my life story?  Will I get to have a leading role one of these days, especially in my own life story?  Sometimes I equate this with roles I have played in the theater.  I have yet to really have a "lead" role (though in Pump Boys and Dinettes all 7 of us were essentially the principals) and I sometimes struggle with this.  I know the reality - I am not the ingenue, the romantic lead, the soprano who can hit every high note.  But I am also a pretty good comedienne and I do have a strong messo-soprano voice

Frequently I feel like the actor in my own life story - not the director.  

War is not the answer...

WITH ALL THE FREE TIME I HAVE IN THE SUMMER I HAVE BEGUN DOING ODD THINGS:  BINGE WATCHING Game of Thrones, cleaning out old photograph albums, and googling myself.  Because, you know, every once in a while you need to do that.  I forgot that I had started a blog once before.  IN an effort to keep my ideas all together I am reposting here.  

THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 2006

As a bleeding heart liberal, I have never been a big fan of war as a means of resolving an issue. I work with high school kids - I realize the innate fallacies in a plan that says "Do what I want (or stop doing what you are doing) or I'll hurt you." We tell our kids violence is not the way to solve problems, yet we have one of the largest militaries in the world. Hmm, can we say hypocrisy?

Yet I'm not naive enough, or enough of an optimist, to think that the world could operate without armament. I just wish it didn't have to be at the expense of so many people's lives.

My brother enlisted in the army in September 2005. He will be shipped out to Iraq in June or July. The last time I'll get to see him in over a year will be this Saturday. My brother and I aren't the tightest siblings around, we fought like nobody's business when we were little, but as we've gotten older, we've gotten closer. There are some things that no one, except your sibling, can share with you. Nobody else can share exactly what it was like walking into our brand new house in Canton, Georgia. Nobody else knows the exact trauma we caused each other when we dressed up as the "manly woman" and the "womanly man" when we were little.

Adam and I grew up together. He's only 20 months younger than me, but he'll always be my baby brother. We went down different paths - I was always a schooly, he struggled because of his learning disability. I was a "goodie two shoes" kind of kid; Adam was always getting in trouble. My wildest taste in music was Nine Inch Nails; Adam was in a death metal band called Axe Minister. I'm the uber liberal in the family; Adam leans to the right of center. We're on different roads - but we started at the same place. And our paths WILL intersect again - many a time. I keep telling myself this, because the alternative is unthinkable.

So while I don't support a war which is more about our interests in foreign oil than anything else, I do support my brother and hope he does not have to see, or be a part of, irrevocable traumas and tragedies. We have so many naturally occurring bad things - let's not make any more for ourselves.