Fear

This ache cannot be pushed aside, laughed away, or cried out.  It just simply is.  A haunting, dull emptiness that just sits right underneath my heart.  How can something be if it is a void?  I can't explain the physics, nor can I truly explain its presence.

I want it to be gone.  I long for the day when I stop sobbing at seemingly unimportant things that remind me of it.  How can a simple photograph elicit this kind of reaction?  Perhaps the photo is just the catalyst and I am all primed up, waiting for that one little thing to remind me.

My sum total is so much more than this ache.  I have achievements, credentials, awards, knowledge, love.  I am a part of a bigger community, a family, a school.  Shit, people friend request me on facebook - that's a sure sign of being wanted, right?  Why do these other pieces - the ones that have substance and form and function and purpose - why do they get stifled when the tears start falling?

Perhaps this nothing truly is something - fear.  I am afraid that my life hasn't begun.  I am afraid that if I am always alone, I won't be valued by others.  If I never find a romantic companion I fear I will miss out.  What if I am never a mother?  My entire being I have envisioned my future with a husband and children.  If this isn't to be, does that make the rest of my hopes and dreams invalid too?

Logic always makes its way into this internal debate.  Of course my life has meaning.  I am loved.  I love others.  My daily routine helps to make the world a better place, most of the time at least.  I have made my mark on the world and there is certainly more to come.

I just drum my fingers, waiting for the time when I have conquered this fear.